Better Boys, Better Men: Rethinking Masculinity and Emotional Resilience.

When it comes to men’s mental health, the same damaging narratives still ring true. For years, boys and men have been taught to bottle things up, hide their emotions, and get on with it—whatever “it” may be. But the truth is, that old model of masculinity simply doesn’t work anymore—if it ever did.

In a recent conversation with author and educator Andrew Reiner on The Meaning of Men podcast, we explored how boys are shaped by the world around them—and how that shaping often leads to depression in men, isolation, and a deep disconnection from their true selves. Reiner’s work, particularly his book Better Boys, Better Men, shines a spotlight on the quiet, unspoken rules boys are expected to follow. From being told to "man up" to never asking for help, these rules are subtle but powerful.

But here’s the thing: they can be unlearned. Through authenticity, vulnerability, and awareness, a new model of masculinity is possible—one that embraces emotional honesty and resilience. In this post, we break down five key takeaways from the episode that challenge outdated norms and offer a new way forward for boys and men.

The “Boy Code” Is Still Alive—and Dangerous

From a young age, boys are handed a script. Don’t cry. Don’t ask for help. Always be in control. These messages might sound like clichés, but they're incredibly common—and they do real damage. Andrew Reiner calls this social script the "boy code", and it's something many boys absorb before they even realise it.

One of the biggest issues with this code is how it stunts emotional growth. Boys learn that showing vulnerability equals weakness, so they avoid it altogether. The problem? Suppressing emotions doesn’t make them go away—it just buries them. Over time, this can lead to anxiety, isolation, and undiagnosed male depression.

We often see the impact of this in schools, where boys are falling behind not because they aren’t smart, but because they’re scared to ask questions or admit they’re struggling. Reiner argues that what we see in education is just the tip of the iceberg—it’s a reflection of wider mental health issues that stem from this early conditioning. The first step? Recognising the code for what it is—and choosing to break it.

Most Men Don’t Lack Feelings—They Lack the Words

Here’s something we don’t talk about enough: many men aren’t emotionally numb—they’ve just never learned how to name what they feel. Reiner points out that countless boys grow up without the emotional vocabulary they need to understand their inner world. And as adults, this often turns into alexithymia: the inability to describe emotions.

It’s not that men don’t feel sadness, shame or fear. It’s that they’ve been told from an early age those feelings are off-limits. So instead of saying, “I feel lonely,” they lash out. Instead of saying, “I need support,” they shut down. The result? A slow-burning, unspoken pain that chips away at mental health over time.

Helping boys and men build an emotional vocabulary is one of the most important steps in mental health awareness. It allows them to express what’s really going on—and to seek support without shame. And it starts young. If a boy can say, “I’m overwhelmed,” instead of acting out, that’s already a huge win.

Vulnerability Isn’t a Flaw—It’s a Strength

We often think of vulnerability as something big and dramatic—crying in public, pouring your heart out, or baring your soul in therapy. But Reiner makes the point that it can be small, everyday stuff too. Saying sorry. Asking for help. Admitting you’re tired or scared.

The problem is, men are taught that these moments are signs of failure. Vulnerability becomes synonymous with weakness. And over time, this belief turns into a fear of connection—especially with other men.

But vulnerability is a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets. And it doesn’t have to start with a deep heart-to-heart. It can be as simple as helping a stranger, checking in on a mate, or being honest with your partner about how your day really was. These small acts are the building blocks of emotional strength—and they pave the way for deeper, healthier relationships.

If we want to normalise men’s mental health, we’ve got to normalise vulnerability too. Because it’s not weakness—it’s wisdom.

Shame from Childhood Sticks Around—And Shows Up in Men’s Behaviour

You might think phrases like “man up” or “don’t cry” are harmless. They’re not. Reiner explains how these so-called throwaway comments imprint shame on boys—shame that follows them into adulthood. Boys learn early on that emotional expression is something to be embarrassed by, not embraced. That message stays buried in the psyche for years.

As grown men, that shame can resurface in all kinds of ways—anger, isolation, controlling behaviour, or even violence. And here’s the tragic part: it often goes completely unrecognised. We treat the symptoms, but ignore the root cause.

To break the cycle, we need to stop shaming boys for feeling things. That means replacing “stop crying” with “it’s okay to cry.” It means being the adult that creates safety, not silence. And it means recognising that signs of male depression don’t always look like sadness. Sometimes they look like rage. Or withdrawal. Or numbness.

Healing starts by naming the shame—and refusing to pass it on.

Emotional Resilience Isn’t Built by Suffering in Silence

Here’s one of Reiner’s most important insights: resilience doesn’t come from toughing it out. It comes from processing pain, not pretending it isn’t there. But too many boys and men are taught that asking for help makes you weak. So they suffer in silence.

This leads to underdiagnosed anxiety and depression—especially because many men’s symptoms show up differently. Instead of crying, they might become irritable. Instead of saying they feel down, they stop showing up. And because most diagnostic models are based on female expressions of distress, these signs often get missed.

If we want to build real resilience in boys and men, we’ve got to teach them emotional literacy. We’ve got to let them know it’s safe to feel—and safe to ask for help. Because the strongest men aren’t the ones who hide their pain. They’re the ones who face it.

Conclusion

We don’t need tougher men. We need freer ones—free to cry, to talk, to ask for help. Free to ditch the outdated rulebook and write their own version of masculinity.

Andrew Reiner’s work reminds us that mental health in men isn’t just about treatment—it’s about prevention. It’s about changing the culture that teaches boys to hide, to harden, and to hurt in silence. The good news? Change is possible. One conversation, one small act of vulnerability, one honest connection at a time.

Let’s build a world where being a man means being fully human—feelings and all.